How not to race is a guide for all of you who would like to learn the secrets of racing poorly. Perhaps you're a sandbagging B-grader looking to make your stay in B-grade more legitimate, or maybe you have tried the conventional racing preparation approach but to no avail, and are looking for a new plan of attack. Either way, this guide is for you.
Leading up to the race
Training—two weeks out
There are two approaches to this one, depending on the amount of riding you do. If you have been training specifically for the event, but have decided you would like to do poorly, increase the volume of your training in these two weeks. If you have been doing some k's and intensity two weeks out, increase the volume to as much as you possibly can, in between working eating and sleeping.
Predicting that you may work 9 hours a day for five of seven days, that means that 90 hours out of the 336 in the two weeks leading up to the race are spent at work. So maybe take out another 8 hours per day for sleeping (however, in this lead-up for poor racing less is best!) and perhaps 1 hour a day each day for eating, makes it another 90 hours in the two-week lead up.
So all up, I have worked out that working, eating and sleeping reduce available training time by 180 hours, leaving another 156 hours for training! This training should include loads of strength efforts and should be complemented by not eating or drinking during training, or stretching afterwards. If you complete this training program you will be well on the way to racing poorly. In fact, this step alone guarantees a poor result! WOW!
However, I understand there are people out there who don't train for events, just trying to fit in a couple of rides in the two weeks before the race—a cyclists equivalent of cramming for an exam. If you're one of these folk, then you need to resist the temptation to ride your bike. Just kick back, relax, and eat looots of pizza and drink looots of beer. A beer gut definitely increases your chances of racing poorly.
Oh, and take up smoking.
Travelling and preparation
Getting to the race
Don't plan your travelling arrangements until just before the event. If it is possible, drive to the race the night before or morning of the event. Sleep deprivation can assist in racing poorly, so pulling an all-night road trip is a great idea.
If flying is absolutely neccessary (which is not always bad—airlines losing your bike is a great start to racing poorly!), then make sure it's with a cheap and dodgy airline, or at least on an Airbus A330 because an airline crash is also a great excuse to race poorly.
Food and nutrition
Eat lots of strange foods—the weirder the better. Steer away from mainstream options along the road. McDonalds is so highly processed, you're probably not likely to get sick from a quarter pounder, however, dodgy roadhouse food is another story. Casseroles in bain-marie's are my personal favourites, however other good examples of pre-race dinners are:
• manky looking hot dog;
• any seafood dishes in inland towns (note: not at restaurants, but service stations, etc);
• chilli laden meals; and,
• sloppy looking curries, to name a few.
If you have an allergy, please indulge in that allergen, too. It's all in the name of racing poorly.
The morning of the race
Breakfast?
There are two ways to attack the issue of breakfast in my racing poorly manual.
Approach 1: Starvio. Eating is cheating, right? This approach is particularly effective if you are engaging in a long race, 100km MTB enduro or a 24 hour race. No carb loading is required here, because eating provides you fuel, and you don't need that to race poorly.
Approach 2: Emergency carbo-loading. This approach is best used for shorter, intense rides. This is the perfect approach for short-track cross-country and cross-country racing, and on the road, crit races of hill climb TT's. This approach involves consuming large amounts of high-fat and high-protein foods, washed down with large, milky drinks (milkshakes or thickshakes are perfect). For best results, consume with half an hour of the race.
Don't ride the racetrack before the race
The better you know the track, the smoother your lines will be, and any unexpected surprises will be smoothed out prior to the race. Not riding the track puts you on-track to ride off-track—always an advantage if you're looking to race like Humphrey B Bear on a bicycle.
If you feel you have to ride the track, feel compelled to fall of in a tricky part, or even a not-so tricky part, as long as something breaks as you fall (on you or on the bike, doesn't matter). Broken bits are a great advantage to racing poorly.
The race
Finally, you're on the start line, just crossing your fingers that all your racing poorly training has paid off. It's up to YOU now to go out and race poorly: you should be feeling pretty crap right now and have had woeful preparation. If you're really into the swing of things you may have even forgotten your bike or shoes.
But remember, if worst comes to worst and you're off the front, railing, and feeling awesome, don't be afraid to stop trackside and let a little pressure out off your tyres. Then you can wheel your bike back to start area (because of your woeful preparation you have no tubes, pump or canisters) and relax for the rest of the day.
Congratulations, you have completed the guide of How not to race.
Written by AB, the master of racing poorly.