New Year's Resolutions... or Just Say No

As we all know, New Year's resolutions are lame. What's the point? You sit down, all excited and earnest, writing out lofty goals on your yellow legal pad. You just know you're going to lose 15 pounds and finally burn off all that Ben and Jerry's, take up yoga, volunteer at the local charity shop and of course, find yourself. Because you are an independent, empowered woman. Because you believe self-betterment is just a list of promises away. Because you're a delusional, naive twit. Six months later, and you're passed out on the couch after too many jello shots, surrounded by all that Chinese takeout and your expanding waistline.

I don't do resolutions as a general rule. However, I thought in my campaign for self-improvement and self-knowledge, I'd thought I'd make some promises to myself that I know I can keep. Granted, it's half-way through the first month of the year, but better late than never, right?

1. NO

Some children are angels, some children are gifted, and 95% of the children I meet are Satan. How can you tell if a child is possessed? Well, for some kids, it's that sinister, high pitched giggle they let out after their mom's told them to be nice to the babysitter and left. For others, it's that creepy smile, part leer, part insanity that they give you when you turn around and they're staring at you. But there's that inevitable je ne sais quoi that registers in your brain, leading you to know that kid would make an inspired casting decision for The Omen IV: That Little Bastard Who Keeps Kicking the Back of My Airplane Seat. So this year, no. Just no.

2. NO

Enough said.

3. MORE

Kicking ass and taking names.

4. NO

Starbucks is a coffeehouse chain from hell. Why? well let's skip the obvious -stale burnt coffee, fair-trade coffee with the profits going mainly to the company and NOBODY buys it for starters, jacked up prices, and the obnoxious tall, grande, venti pseudo-sophisticated size labelling. No, it's true demonic factor comes from the hordes of pretentious posers (mostly in the form of 17 year old girls and scruffy art students) that frequent its premises. These people would like for you to believe they're not like most Americans. They read David Sedaris and Norman Mailer, they recite poetry, they drink coffee at Starbucks. (they don't actually read Norman Mailer, they've read three essays of Me Talk Pretty One Day, and they've forgotten all of their e.e. cummings). Unfortunately, there are certain occasions throughout the year in which I am forced to patronize the place, but I refuse to like it.

5. NO

When you buy a fake designer handbag, people don't think, "Ooh, that girl is carrying the latest Chanel 2.55 bag! She must be so rich and upperclass, I bet she's best friends with Karl Lagerfeld and Derek Lam!" Because if you have to buy a fake designer bag instead of the real thing, it's painfully obvious that you don't have the funds for a luxury lifestyle, especially when you get out of your beat up Honda Civic, wearing your Old Navy jeans and clearance Talbot's sweater and swinging your off-color, flimsy, fake leather Gucci or Coach. And no, it's not authentic even if it was on Ebay, the website said it was a factory reject, and it comes with tags. Tim Gunn hates you.

I can truthfully say that I have and will always buy authentic brands.

6. NO

Teenagers are whiny, unexceptional, purportedly 'misunderstood' parasites. They think they know everything, and they don't respect authority. They are not talented (no matter how artistic, athletic, or intelligent they think they are). This year, let's all just say no to teenagers. And get those crazy whippersnappers off our lawns.

7. YES

The best beverage in the world.

8. Oh sweet merciful heavens, NO


And even more importantly, NO

This past summer, I sat through two of the worst middle-aged-and-saggy chick flicks ever. Granted, the film for Sex and the City actually caught on fire about 15 minutes from the end, making it a pretty fun experience (or taunting from the gods of celluloid?). But no, never, ever, ever again. No more watching movies made to make 45 year old women who should actually have real lives and self-esteem feel empowered, independent, and sexy.

9. YES, most definitely

I swear by my life and my love of it, that I will never stop being as schwanky and posh as possible while beating peasants, nor will I ask peasants whether they'd like not to be beaten.


Nine beautiful resolutions.