Women I Hate and/or Am Afraid of, Part One: The CAREER WOMAN

She's scary.

You should fear this one.


While you shove your face into your calzone, 2 cans of Coke, and brownie, she dines on a light lunch of a house salad (dressing on the side) and a glass of Perrier.

She can spend twenty minutes on the phone with a client, laughing over having ordered the wrong thing at a tapas bar. But if you briefly mention your experience of being mugged in a public restroom by an elderly woman equipped with an Uzi in Danzig to your co-workers, she shoots you the look.

She's the one dropping names at the business conference's cocktail party. Apparently Brent Bozell, Alan Greenspan, Rachel Maddow, every single member of Congress, and the President have all publicly praised her and offered her jobs within ten minutes of meeting with her. And she goes to parties with them at their country clubs. And while she's sucking up to all the bigwigs at said cocktail party, either you are A. not invited, B. part of the set-up crew, or C. late, completely sweaty and gross from running there in the 99 degree Farenheit weather, and spilled cocktail sauce all over your white suit right after you got there.

This is the CAREER WOMAN, prissy, stuck-up, and one of the most feared creatures in DC and NYC. Her mission in life, as far as you can tell, is to make you look like a complete idiot in front of your boss and get you fired. Whenever something dumb happens to you -this will happen frequently- she will always be there, ready to shoot you a condescending look of pity and loathing.

She will always look better than you in her Ann Taylor/ Brooks Brothers wardrobe. Her buttondown shirts will never get wrinkled, and her feet don't get hurt from wearing pointy-toed, 4 inch stiletto heels every day. The two of you can take the exact same commute route on the train, but while you stagger into the office lobby, drenched with sweat due to the July morning heat, she will be absolutely pristine.

The Career Woman will also always be more on the ball than you. Your boss asks you during the meeting for a brief proposal outline. You fumble around for it in your folders, swearing that you had it just a minute ago. And right before you find it, wrinkled and the ink smudged, she loudly announces that she took the liberty of typing one up herself, with copies for everyone, but "you don't mind, do you?" Whenever one of your superiors asks you a question, you trip over your tongue and display your incapacity for articulate speech. Career Woman will interrupt you and give an immaculate reply, all the while arching her brow at you; she also coaches the board on public speaking.

Career Woman is evil. Everything she does serves the purpose of making you look inferior in comparison. You see, she knows when you won't have time to really look good, and so she'll go out of her way to look much better. She knows what limited clothing funds you have, and so she will casually drop in her conversation, as if everyone shopped there, that she got her shoes from Neiman Marcus.

But even though she hates you and wants to make you feel bad, she feels the same about everyone else. Career Woman lives to be the most accomplished, most stylish, most intelligent one in the office. Unless she isn't getting recognized as being the best every second, she is miserable. Not only does she take over everyone else's responsibilities, she also volunteers with her local political club, takes cooking lessons, brags about her prowess in ballroom dancing and equestrian, and on top of all that, finds time to work out. You know Career Woman, even if she's not in your office. She went to high school with you. You know, she was in charge of Student Government, she was the theatre stage manager, the NHS, Beta Club, and Key Club president, valedictorian, and she won every single academic and leadership prize. You hated her. Basically, Career Woman is Tracy Flick all grown up.

She's almost impossible to get rid of, since all your superiors seem to think she's perfect. So what nutmeg of consolation is there for you? Well, even though they kiss up to her and praise her all day long, the rest of your co-workers also hate her. With a passion. And while this itself won't change anything, eventually your superiors will start to notice that she hasn't actually been doing any real work; she has just been killing time and lying to everyone about it. Your superiors will notice, because either you or your co-workers will have installed security cameras around her desk. O sweet, sweet victory.