How low can you go?

It's been a busy week, and Meg has her birthday party later this afternoon, so I've decided to pull a post from my archives and give you a little re-run.

This post is from last October. I still can't even look at a Black-Eyed Susan. Too many horrible memories....

I worked the Book Fair at my daughter's school today and ran into my friend Katie-which reminded me of one of the low points in my adult life. I'll tell you about it, and then you'd better share your embarrassing stories, because as we all know, misery love company.

When We Here goes. Every year Katie and her husband Jim have a Preakness party at their house. We all wear really preppy clothes, drink Black Eyed Susans and watch the race. Well, Preakness 2006 was quite a night. There were tons of people I know at the party, some who I hadn't seen in ages. I was chatting away and it seems every time my glass got a little empty someone would fill it up for me.
Anyway, I'm sucking down the Black Eyed Susans and chatting with my friend Suzanne's husband, when I noticed he was looking at me funny. I suddenly realized I was DRUNK...REALLY DRUNK! (The following is all a hazy recollection- this is what I recall.)
I realized I needed to lie down, so I managed to get upstairs and crash in my friend's daughter's room. I woke up feeling sick when suddenly-BLEH!!! I puked all over her white metalasse comforter.
Shit!!!! I got up to go to the bathroom and felt too sick to stand-so I crawled onto Katie and Jim's bed and closed my eyes. Here we go again! It all happened so fast. BAM! I was violently ill all over Katie's bed!
The horror of the situation hits me at full force-and I pulled the comforter off her bed and attempted to find her laundry room. As I'm doing this I hear crying. My friends' kids and their babysitter have discovered my little gift on her daughter's bed.
At that point I had to get the hell out of there. I threw Katie's bedding in the bathtub, ran outside and hid behind a tree. Word got out that some lady got sick upstairs and my friends (suspecting it was me) came looking for me.
They found me behind the tree and I instructed them to get my husband-pronto. The ride home was sheer hell. I knew I had to get sick again-but Brad wouldn't pull over. When we reached my street I fell out of the car, staggered over to my bitch neighbor's yard, fell over and couldn't get up. There I was in a pink Lilly sweater, navy and pink Lilly pants with embroidered crabs all over them and Jack Rogers sandals, sprawled out on my neighbors grass. She saw the commotion and came outside. The look on her face was priceless-she was LOVING it!

Anyway, I managed to get inside, past the babysitter and kids and up to my bathroom, where I spent the remainder of the evening with my head in the toilet and sleeping on the floor.

The next day, when I finally rose from the dead my bitch neighbor who never talks to me practically ran over to me. "What happened last night?" I was too poisoned to even attempt a bullshit explanation. My reply, "I was drunk as shit-couldn't you tell?" I made her year.

I dragged my hungover butt to the computer to look up the ingredients of a Black Eyed Susan. This is what I found:

Traditional drink of the Preakness. This is how it is served at the Alibi Breakfast at Pimlico and also to the fans at the Black-Eyed Susan and Preakness Stakes. Be careful as it is deceptively strong!


  • 1 part Cointreau
  • 1 part Mount Gay rum
  • 1 part Vodka
  • Pineapple Juice
  • Orange Juice


Fill a highball glass with shaved ice, add the liquors first, then top off with equal parts of orange and pineapple juice. Stir and garnish with a lime wedge.


Anyway- I had to call my friend and apologize. She was remarkably forgiving. She too had had way too much to drink at her party. Despite my behavior the night before, I was raised to have good manners and Emily Post clearly states in her book that if your puke on someone's bed, you are socially obligated to replace the soiled linens.

I hit Pottery Barn the next day and $400 later I delivered the replacement comforters to my friends' house. Her husband answered the door and gave me a big hug. I give the guy credit. He was glad he had a wild party and that everyone had "fun".

As it turns out I wasn't the only story of the night. I was so drunk I missed it, but apparently not too far from the tree I was hiding behind a girl I know and one of her friends (of the female variety) were completely making out!!! Whoa. WILD IN SUBURBIA!

Preakness 2007 was a whole different story. I drank Diet Coke and then Brad and I left early to go to a play.

As you may or may not know-I don't party much these days. I'm usually the designated driver-this night, however, was like a flashback to a frat party circa. 1985 ONLY WILDER!

If you've read this far-I tag you!!

I've revealed one of my worst moments. Can you top me?

"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? "

Henry Youngman