Open Forum: The Magic Juice


I just purchased 4 bottles of Mona Vie Active.

What do you think? Have you tried it? If so, does it make you feel good?

Your feedback is very much appreciated.

My good buddy Mrs. K has graciously pointed out that she has no idea what the f--k Mona Vie is, so I have included a link to their website. The simple answer to the question "What is Mona Vie?" is, it's a fruit drink. But not just any fruit drink, it's a super fruit drink!!! And quite the trend.

The following is a brief product description:

MonaVie supports your body's antioxidant and nutritional needs. MonaVie features a delicious blend of the Brazilian a├žai berry—one of nature's top superfoods—and 18 other body-beneficial fruits. This Balance-Variety-Moderation approach to nutrition delivers powerful antioxidants and phytonutrients to help fight free radicals and maintain your body's overall health.
  • Offers potent antioxidant protection against free radicals.
  • Features a wide array of nutrients for optimal health.
  • Delivers the antioxidant capacity of approximately 13 servings of fruits and vegetables in just four ounces.
  • Provides nutritional benefits for all ages.
Okay, so that's the scoop for those who have never heard of it. Now I'll repeat the question.

Have YOU tried it? If so, do you like it????

My first acceptance, ever!



Boise State update:

Last week I received an acceptance via e-mail.

Two days ago, I received an acceptance via snail-mail.

Today, I received...dum dum dum...A TEACHING ASSISTANSHIP!

(go me!)

Do I need to do this?

Okay, now it's time for my recap of this week's "Real Housewives of NYC."

I have had some pretty serious attention span issues lately, so it'll be a quickie.

As usual, the chicks of NY don't disappoint.

The show started out with Jill and Bethenny hanging out at Jill's FABULOUS (to use her word) Hamptons house. I've said this before, I have total house envy. Jill, LuAnn, Ramona and Kelly all have the most amazing houses in the Hamptons.

It looks like fun out there. Imagine spending the summer chilling with one of your friends in an amazing beach house. The only drawback for me would be the camera crews following me around. I feel bad for Bethenny. You can see the sadness in her eyes, even though she is so pretty and funny, she seems so alone. Jill's mom Gloria is a crackup. I was touched by the way she reached out to Bethenny. I thought she was sweet. Jill's daughter Ally annoys the crap out of me. She reminds me of the girls I went to college with at Syracuse. So spoiled and whiny!

Okay, on to Simon and Alex. As usual...they grossed me out. That $8,000 shopping trip was a joke. What idiots. Judging from the condition of their home their priorities are whacked. What the hell is with those electric blue loafers? They probably cost $800 and they were FUGLY.

Oh and Simon in his little boner bathing suit. Yuk.

The lunch between Bethenny and Ramona? So staged, but funny. I loved the picture in Cosmo of Ramona pumping iron. CLASSIC.

Kelly. Whatever. She is like a walking Ralph Lauren ad. What did we get from her? Footage of her skipping into a party, telling us how lucky they are that she showed up for 5 minutes and then a shot of her leaping out between the hedges. Did we even need to see that?

On to LuAnn. She is so cold. She's a beautiful, poised woman, but she seems so self involved!

And what a joke it was when she took the mike at the Denim and Diamonds fundraiser and told everyone to pay attention, and then proceeded to gab away. I WILL NOT be purchasing her book on etiquette.


That's my take on the week. What did YOU think??

Update: UW

I just got off the phone with UW.  

I was told "no decision has been made on your file yet".
I'm taking that as good news - I haven't been rejected yet! Whee!

Oh, and I should hear within two weeks - rejections come via e-mail, acceptances come via postal mail.  

(Snail mail, won't you carry me an acceptance and assistantship?  Please?)

Let's start with the O.C.

I felt AWFUL today. Sore throat, shivering, stomach "upset", aches, pains, the whole shebang.

It started last night, but I refused to go to bed until after the "Real Housewives Reunion Show" and the newest episode of "The Real Housewives of NYC." I was recording both of them, but had to watch them "live." I was literally lying on the couch forcing myself to keep my eyes open. Duh. I should have gone to bed early.

I spent the day drinking herbal tea and water and took a two hour nap. So I feel much better, not great but well enough to do a little recap of the O.C. reunion.

In a nutshell. Tamra and Vicki are mean bitches. I felt really bad for Lynn. I cannot believe how much they picked on her. I would be mortified to do such a thing, especially on television. Whatever it is that they get out of being on this show, I hope it's worth it to look like an evil witch in front of millions of people. Oh, and how many times this season did these women get WASTED? Pretty unattractive.

No wonder Lynn cried. I can tell she isn't really quick witted, so she had a hard time defending herself. When Jeanna joined in the wolf pack and called her dumb I don't blame her for losing it. Poor girl.

Oh and Vicki, get off your high horse about your parenting skills. Your son is a huge slacker. And what kind of example do you set when you emasculate your husband continually? What a ball buster you are Vicki!!!

Now on to Gretchen. Let's face it. She liked Jeff for his money. She has a cute, bubbly personality and she's gorgeous, but she's a conniver. I do believe the rumors. I think she was having an affair with a car salesman when she was with Jeff. Pretty lame.

In her defense, I'm sure her boyfriend Jeff was no angel. The man had been married quite a few times so I'm guessing he was not exactly a faithful husband. My husband made a funny observation. He said "look at the guy, he's skinny as a skeleton and riddled with cancer, yet he's still horny!" And that's why he kept Gretchen around, in my opinion. Rumor has it that she is now dating Slade. Slade who apparently has a son with brain cancer and isn't paying child support. Hmmm....

Jeanna, I like. I think her new man friend Alan seems like a great guy. I hope she finds a nice man. Her ex was truly an a-hole.

My prediction for next season, IF there is a next season, is that Lynn and Gretchen will be gone. Lynn's story line was pretty boring, and Gretchen got hazed so badly, I doubt she'd put herself through it again. Although some people don't care, as long as they get publicity, it doesn't matter whether it's good or bad.

Coming up...the good stuff!! "The Real Housewives of NYC!" Another fabulous episode last night.

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

P.S. Have you been doing your wattle exercises? I hope so! I did mine today, even though I was really sick. THERE ARE NO EXCUSES FOR A LOOSE WATTLE LADIES!

Nobody likes a loose wattle...

Well, pretty much. Except, of course, that dude Richard from "Ally McBeal." Remember the guy who was into older women because he had a wattle fetish. He dated "Whipper" but they broke up because she caught him fingering Janet Reno's wattle.

Anyway, he is the ONLY person I've ever heard of who's into wattle. And he's not even real.

In case you don't know what the heck I'm talking about here is the definition of wattle:

The fat-filled skin pouch that hangs between the neck and chin. It somewhat resembles the flap on a turkey's neck.

The neck wattle is caused because the skin loses its attachments to the muscle and bone beneath. The ligaments that attach the skin to the muscles fall off. Since the skin is loose, it is very difficult to tighten it. Some exercises can help to improve the ‘neck wattle’.


Today, my good deed is to teach you a yoga exercise which will help tighten your wattle.

If you don't have a wattle, do the exercise anyway, and you'll never get one.

Okay, here goes:

Take the tip of your tongue and lift it up, REACH it back towards the way back of your throat. Do you feel your neck muscles tightening? If not, keep trying. When you feel the pull in your neck, you're doing it right.

Once you have this down, do it all day, everyday. But only do it when you're alone, like in the car or in the shower. If you do it publicly people will think you have a weird facial tic or that you're extremely tense.

Now if I were shooting to have a fab blog, I would photograph myself doing this exercise and show you before and after shots. But since I'm a blogging slacker, you'll have to settle for this picture of Billy and Richard from "Ally McBeal" doing the wattle firming exercise.

I hope this was helpful. If not, please let me know what I can do to make your life better.

(Like reminding you that tonight is the "Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion Show" AND I think a new episode of "The Real Housewives of NYC." If anyone can confirm that, please help me out...I need help helping others.)

Your humble servant...

It's hard work being a good person...

As you know, I am dedicating this week to helping my fellow bloggers.

Zibbs and Mrs. K asked for some advice to make their blogs a bit more popular. They certainly came to the right place. As you know, my blog has the POTENTIAL to be huge.

Unfortunately I'm an underachiever, so I average less than 20 comments per post and only have 105 followers. If I wanted to make this blog a sensation this is what I would do.

1. Improve my content. I would put lots of thought into my posts. I would attempt to be deep, funny and thought provoking. Perhaps I would put beautiful photographs that I took myself up, instead of pirating stuff off Google Images.

2. Spend hours each day commenting on other blogs. You've got to give to get. Zibbs. If you want 500 followers by April step it up!!! How many blogs do YOU follow? Try following 1,000!!! The results will be well worth it.

3. Don't worry about your responsibilities or other hobbies. You don't need a job, a clean house or to work out...blog, baby blog...blog until your eyeballs burn and your fingers bleed!! No pain, no gain.

Try these three foolproof steps and I GUARANTEE see a huge spike in your blog traffic within 4 weeks.

Let me know if you need help with anything else. I feel like a better person when I do charity work.

Caffeine Court: Changing lives for the better...

I've been assessing my life and I feel as though I don't contribute enough to society.  After much thought, I've come up with a way to help others .  Through my blog.

I am dedicating this week to helping others.  All week long I'll be giving you pieces of advice to make your lives better.

If you have any problems you need solved feel free to ask.  I'm here to help.

My first piece of advice is a pearl of wisdom I've learned regarding marriage.  It's one of the secrets to a happy union.

That advice is:  "Don't have a blog.  If you must, stick to recipes.  Ones that you actually cook."

I'll give you some time to think about this one, and I'll be back with many more formulas to make your life as great as mine.

Remember, I'm at your service 24/7.  (Unless I'm on Facebook or playing tennis.)

Animal House

I am completely partial to people who like my dogs. If you walk in my house and make a fuss over my pets , pet them and tell me how cute they are, I like you better.

When people come over and look a little disgusted and freaked out, I make a mental note of it.

My children's friends who like dogs are invited over far more often than their dog hating cohorts.

When a child takes one look at my dogs and starts screaming and running away, it seriously bums me out.

I know it's wrong, but it's just the way it is.

Caffeine Court: The Week in Review

I want to thank those of you who actually commented on my last post.

I do not think Jennifer Miller, the "woman" in the second picture is, in fact, a woman. She calls herself one, but you're right. "Lady looks like a dude!"

As for Jennifer Grey. I agree. She looks better with the new nose. I probably would have done the same thing. It must be hard to see yourself on the big screen and feel like you have a beak.

The question is...did the nose job ruin her career? Would she have gone on to greater fame if she left well enough alone? We'll never know.

My most popular post of the week was definitely the "Travis The Chimp" post. Something about a wine drinking, car driving ape really gets people going.

It's such a sad story and yet, I laugh when I think about the life this woman led with her companion. They had filet mignon and lobster tail together, drank wine together, bathed together and god knows what else. I can tell you this. If my neighbor had a 200 pound chimpanzee living in her house, and he would jump in the car every once in a while and take the car for a spin, you can bet I would be making a stink. A bigger stink than she probably had all over her monkey infested house.

I think my husband Brad got off easy with our 3 dogs and a cat. I can't even imagine what kind of a fit he would have if I surprised him with a baby chimp. I shudder at the thought.

So what did we learn this week on Caffeine Court? Let's see.

1. How to get your laundry smelling super fresh and folded to perfection.

2. To accept yourself for what you are warts (or beard) and all.

3. Don't keep a 200 pound chimp as a pet. It's not worth it, no matter how good he is in bed.

That's all for now. Enjoy your weekend and I'll catch you on Monday.

No I'm not on drugs-I'm just weird.


My daughter showed me a picture in her National Geographic Kids Magazine. It was of a woman named Virginia Wheeler who holds the world's record for "longest beard on a woman."

The picture of this woman got me thinking. "Hmmm. Now that's working with what you've got. Instead of fighting her beard, she's making a career out of it." Interesting.

Bizarre and disturbing, but interesting.

Since I absolutely LOVE wasting my time on stupid shit, I decided to do a little research on "bearded women."

Here's some stuff I came up with:

Some women embrace the hair on their faces. Vivian Wheeler from Woodriver, Illinois holds the Guinness Book of World Records title of “Longest Female Beard Hair”—11 inches. She began shaving at the age of seven, at the insistence of her father. After four marriages and the death of her mother in 1993 she decided to just let the hair grow. She has since joined a traveling curiosity show in Illinois.

Jennifer Miller embraces her beard as an act of feminist defiance. She founded Circus Amok, a circus show with a political agenda, and holds regular performances in New York’s South Bronx. There are so many cosmetic ways to remove facial hair, and the social stigma of being a bearded lady would be enough for most people to just shave it off. Bearded ladies are oddities for sure, but there have been a few to buck conformity and use their uniqueness to create a new image of what it means to be a woman.


As I completed my exhaustive research on bearded women, the vision of a woman who DIDN'T embrace her "flaws" came to me. JENNIFER GREY. I decided to waste more precious hours of my day researching the career of Jennifer. Here's what I came up with:


Jennifer Grey

Hollywood dreams were shattered after a "nose job from hell" changed her appearance so drastically, she looked nothing like her former self. The 1980s star's promising career ground to a complete halt overnight in the early 1990s because suddenly nobody recognised her - and even friends would blank her when she bumped into them.

She says, "I went in the operating theatre a celebrity - and come out anonymous. It was like being in a witness protection program or being invisible. I remember going to a restaurant where I had been going for years. I ran into people I knew and would say, 'Hey.' Nothing. I'll always be this once-famous actress nobody recognizes... because of a nose job."


A sad tale indeed. So there you have it. Two women prospering in the freak show world because they had the courage to love their facial hair, and a woman exiled to the Hollywood D-List because of a botched nose job.

I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions. I'm hoping to do some more groundbreaking reports in the upcoming months. Some topics include, Kelly from "Real Housewives of New York City" and her FUNKY boob job and how Nadya Suleman affords to have breast implants, rhinoplasty, Juvederm and IVF on disability pay.

I hope you'll stay tuned.

a tiny little update




Okay, so here's the update:

BSU: 
Admitted!

UW: 
You will receive notification of acceptance or denial by email or postal mail. Application Complete: The department has confirmed that it has received all necessary application information including letters, transcripts, test scores, and other required items.

WSU: 
Normal Advanced Degree plan for WSU-P term 2009-Fall
Status: Evaluated by GSA
Evaluated by Graduate School: 02/17/2009 Admitted: 00/00/0000 GPA 3.88
M.A. ENGL Objective pending evaluation

Iowa: 
In Progress

Utah: 
Out to Graduate Department

I've also started the process of applying for a job in South Korea at Chonbuk National University.

That's it, no more news.  I'll update as the rejections/acceptances come!
  


I watched it...and I LOVED it!


Last night I watched the premiere of "The Real Housewives of New York City" Season 2.

As Austin Powers would say, "I'm so excited!!"

Where have I been? I've been wasting my time thinking about the economy, taking care of my children and cleaning the house and I had absolutely no idea that there was a new housewife.







Her name is Kelly Bensimon. The producers of the show (as well as LuAnn) totally scored with this one. She is former model, an editor at large for Hamptons, Gotham, and LA Confidential magazines. As a style expert, she has written three books on fashion and regularly appears on television on programs such as The Today Show, CBS, Style, and Oprah. As Bethenny said, she hangs with the true "fabulous" crowd in the Hamptons and Manhattan. If there were a caste system on this show, she would be a Brahmin. And she KNOW it.

Those of you who watched know that the season started with a bang.

Apparently Simon slammed Jill in an interview with New York Magazine. He claimed that he's really good at reading people. "Like Jill, for example, I could tell right away she's from Long Island." MEOW Simon. As if it takes a psychic to know that! It was clearly a dig.

Jill obviously didn't like his condescending snobby comment, so she hit back in an interview with Cindy Adams in The Post. Saying that she doesn't really talk to Alex and Simon and that he had a drinking problem!

The show moved on to a fundraiser at Jill's house in the Hamptons.

I was really appalled that LuAnn promised that her children would help stuff the gift bags and then didn't follow through. And THEN she didn't even apologize. How rude. And she's writing a book about manners? Start with following through on your promises LuAnn.

Interesting that outspoken Jill didn't call her on it. She doesn't want to burn any bridges with LuAnn. If Alex or Ramona had done that the gloves would have been off.

Woo hoo!! Let the games begin. This is going to be juicy. The previews show all kinds of drama.

One fight in particular that I look forward to is Ramona's husband Mario vs. Jill. They've all been pretty mean to Ramona and her man is stepping up.

Stay tuned!!!

Coffee, cycling and much more

It's been a while since I started this blog, and like most other blogs I have written I have gotten lazy and not bothered to update it, not that it matters. My single digit (ie: 1) audience doesn't mind. Despite such laziness, exciting things have been happening. For one, I am working for Media Dynamics, being bored as batshit (at times) editing papers by people in the oil and gas industry, with such topics as "Deep sea applications and maintenance of flexible pipes: new ways something something seismic acquisition" So you can see that I am just a ball of excitement when it comes to my everyday grind at work. Luckily, today I get to edit stuff at home, which is very exciting indeed. At least out little Saeco coffee machine is up and running here!

What else is news? We have moved out. Finally. We are now residents of Alderley, with a main road at the front, train line at the ack and a BiLo across the road—ah the serenity! We like it though. We are currentley sans fridge and television, which is a bit of a hassle. We don't mind no TV at all—I could live without it (though I do miss the Biggest Loser...), but being without a fridge is a bit of a bugbear. We have a mini-bar fridge with about 20L capacity, and at the moment all we can fit in it is mushrooms, hummous, orange juice and soy milk. Mmm, we can make such nutritious tasty meals with all that!

Mondo loves the new place (we think). She has three balconies on which to sit, two of which she can watch the world go by on. She loves a good stare.

With the crazy hectic move, bikes were puched from the front of our minds to the deep dark dingy bits right at the back. But as we're more and more settled they're emerging once more. We had a bit of a race Sunday, and I say it was a bit of a race becausethe whole track was foot deep in mud (well, a good deal of it was anyway), and I spent my whole race holding on and trying not to fall off, still taking out the poorly respresented women's category despite how terribly I rode. Aiden took out the men's too, so then we went to IKEA and bought a desk with the tankings. Very exciting.

We should be organising more wedding. Much to the horror of my sister, we haven't even booked a celebrant. But then again, she had th bigest fandangle wedding known to man, so I wouldn't be shocked if she was upset that we're not planning to hire a napkin coordinator, either.

Anyway, that's enough news for now. Tata. AB.

Enough with the chimp...

As I said, I have alot to say about the wine swilling, car driving, face ripping chimp. But I'll get to that in my next post.

For now, let's talk "Housewives!"

Last night was the finale of "The Real Housewives of Orange County" and the premiere of "The Real Housewives of NYC."

I didn't watch either. I DID however, record them and cannot wait to watch!

I'm still catching up with the O.C. and I'm up to the next to last episode.

Once again, no matter what you say, that Gretchen is a piece of work. Her fiance looks like a skeleton. He just got out of the hospital and she's taking off for a girl's weekend in Vegas. HUH?!! That's messed up.

And Vicki must be in hot water with Donn. She was all over that young guy at the nightclub. If I were her husband I'd freak out.

I have to admit that Tamra's mom's face lift looks great! It freaks me out to think about all the cutting and pulling that went on, but the end result is quite impressive.

Okay, on the NYC. I am very anxious to see what Jill said to the NY Post reporter about Alex and Simon. Apparently a major cat fight ensues.

Did you see it? Was it juicy?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Okay, catch you later. I'm going to listen to the chimp 9-11 call.

The Western Pu'er Trend Officially Begins

The pu'er bubble may have burst in China, but it appears the Western pu'er bubble has begun inflating at rapid speed. It's been a long time coming, but the predictions I and many other teaheads made about pu'er being the next fad tea have come true.

Two headlines today at World Tea News display this. First, the lead article discusses how the pu'er bubble burst is an opportunity for less knowledgeable sellers to begin selling pu'er. Second, Numi has announced that pu'er will join the bottled tea fad ranks of rooibos, white tea, and kombucha on the shelves at major supermarkets throughout the country in flavors like Moroccan Mint Puer Green Tea, Magnolia Jasmine Puer Green Tea, Earl Grey Puer Black Tea, Mango Passion Puer Black Tea, and Peach Nectar Puer Green Tea.

Aside from the content reality of these news pieces that demonstrate the trend, the method of news transmission feeds a positive feedback loop that will inflate the trend further. That is to say, by announcing the opportunity to buy (news item 1) and the corporate leap of faith in pu'er (news item 2) to the thousands of tea and tea-related businesses worldwide that subscribe to or read the World Tea News, the trend is reified. The news distribution packages the trend and distributes it, creating a powerful market force that will ultimately echo at all levels of the market, from other ready-to-drink tea products to small tea rooms.

Others have drawn parallels between an anticipated pu'er boom and the recent cigar boom that diluted the quality of cigars and placed enormous market pressure on a scarce resource. As USA Today summarised the cigar burst, "[T]he supply of quality tobacco couldn't keep up with demand. The market became flooded with inferior but pricey cigars hastily rolled with lower grade tobacco, as many of the poseurs and neophytes moved on to something else." This nearly limbs the pu'er burst in China, and the cigar industry only recently recovered its quality and returned to a normalized, peacefully steady increase in sales ten years later, I wonder if the same will hold true for pu'er. But will the Chinese pu'er bubble-burst history repeat itself in the West?

In all likelihood, I think not. First, the Western market is marginal. The fledgling market in the United States, at most a few million potential consumers, cannot put the same pressure on the trees and bushes that tens of millions of East Asians did over the past 15 years when buying and selling pu'er like a commodity in enormous volumes. With the Western markets comprising--a guess--2% at most of the pu'er market even after the burst, doubling our market demand to 4% of the total demand remains marginal.

Secondly, pu'er requires more time, patience, and exploration than previous fad teas like rooibos and white tea. In the first article, Guang Lee of Hou De Asian Art remarks that successfully selling and marketing pu'er demands hardcore enthusiasts. The article itself even suggests hiring pu'er aficionados or encouraging nascent ones to help spread the madness. The implication here is that in order for pu'er to fly off the shelves, businesses need to cultivate the customer base. It doesn't sell itself; potential consumers need educating.

Numi intends to sell the tea through "educational" campaigns about pu'er's supposed health benefits, and the first article likewise suggests selling the health benefits of pu'er rather than the tea itself. Oddly enough, people who know very little about pu'er will take on the role of educating the public--about health benefits that have no proof in human clinical studies.

While this marketing tactic hardly surprises, as it reiterates previous trends, using unproven health benefits to sell tea is hardly an ethical practice. While some large long-term clinical studies have examined green tea's potential in health improvement, what few clinical studies have been done with pu'er were not long-term nor had enough participants to be considered statistically significant. However, pu'er is great beverage choice if you're an overweight rat. Moreover, studies about pu'er haven't isolated the mechanism that reduces cholesterol and blood lipids, so what becomes of the cholesterol in those rats remains unknown. Fat and cholesterol removed from the bloodstream can simply remain as unprocessed body fat or find its home elsewhere in the body.

Lastly, studies on tea largely deal only with the antioxidant ECGC, which is found in all camellia sinensis teas, not just pu'er. These studies also usually examine ECGC at doses far higher than could be gained from brewed tea, the difference in dosage making a health benefit claim from drinking brewed tea unsupportable. While it's not as unethical a practice as, say creating a false need, selling pu'er as a weightloss or cholesterol tonic exploits needs that it cannot yet claim to fill.

Of course, watering the tea down with fruity flavor additives sweetens the deal for the average consumer. All tea fads fall prey to fruitification and health claims, ready-to-drink or otherwise, in order to sell product to the average consumer. But is pu'er (or other tea) so good for you when it's ingested with 25g of sugars per bottle? I could not find nutrition data for Numi, nor do I know off-hand if they will sweeten their pu'er RTD beverages, but given the high sugar content of many RTD teas, it seems the same tonic that supposedly helps your cholesterol could help make you fatter. Sounds like a catch-22.

At least nobody's talking about tea as investment anymore. Giving investment advice as a tea vendor sounds like an invitation to litigation. Then again, tea vendors already seem to think they're qualified to give health advice.

Tangent aside, now that green tea, white tea, oolong tea, rooibos tea, and now pu'er are fallen dominos in the line of tea trends, what's next?

I have alot to say about this story...

For now, just read it...and we'll chat about this later.

Pet chimpanzee attacks woman in Connecticut

A 200-pound pet chimpanzee in Stamford, Connecticut, viciously mauled a woman he had known for years, leaving her critically injured with much of her face torn away, the authorities said.

The 90-kilogram animal was shot and killed on Monday by the police after he assaulted an officer in his car.

The woman, Charla Nash, 55, a friend of the chimpanzee's owner, was being treated at Stamford Hospital and might not survive, the authorities said.

The attack also brought a brutal end to the life of the chimpanzee, Travis, 14, a popular figure in town who had appeared in television commercials and often posed for photographs at the shop operated by his owners. He had escaped before, and in 2003 playfully held up traffic at a busy intersection for several hours, but he had no history of violence, the authorities said. Travis's social skills included drinking wine from a stemmed glass, dressing and bathing himself and using a computer.

Travis's owner, Sandra Herold, 70, had raised him almost as one of her own children but found herself lunging at him with a butcher knife on Monday to protect Nash, said Captain Richard Conklin of the Stamford police, who gave the following account.

Herold told detectives that Travis was in a rambunctious mood on Monday afternoon. He took her keys from the kitchen table, unlocked a door and let himself out into the yard.

"He's going to different cars and tapping on them, trying the doors, a clear indication he wanted to go for a ride," Conklin said.

Travis would not be lured back into the house, even after Herold gave him tea laced with Xanax, a drug used for treating anxiety in humans. Herold called Nash, who drove over, but when she stepped out of her car at around 3:40 p.m., Travis went at her full force. While it was not clear what prompted the assault, Nash had markedly changed her hairstyle since the last time Travis had seen her, possibly leading him to mistake her for an intruder.

Herold tried to pull Travis off her friend, but, Conklin noted, "Sandra is 70 years old, and a 200-pound chimpanzee is much, much stronger than a 200-pound human being."

Herold telephoned for help, grabbed a knife and stabbed Travis several times, to little effect. When emergency service vehicles pulled up, Travis fled, leaving Nash face down in the driveway.

One team of officers searched the woods for Travis, while another formed a protective cordon around the paramedics ministering to Nash.

After a while, Conklin said, Travis returned and "went after the officers." He knocked a mirror off the passenger's side of a police cruiser with one swing of his arm, then ran around to the driver's side, opened the door and attacked the officer in the driver's seat.

"He's trapped in his car," Conklin said of the officer. "He has nowhere to go. So he pulls his sidearm and shoots the chimp several times in close proximity."

Travis disappeared into the woods. Eventually officers picked up a blood trail, which they followed back to the house. There they found Travis in his living quarters. He was dead.

Dirty Laundry

I have been doing my own laundry since 7th grade, which means I have 30 years of experience with the old "wash and fold."  

I've tried all different detergents and folding styles, and FINALLY I have perfected a formula for laundry that looks and smells FANTASTIC.

Since I like you, I'm going to share my that formula with you.  Trust me.  You're going to love this.

Here it is:

Liquid Tide   PLUS    Downy Fabric Softener in the washer








PLUS Bounce Sheets in the dryer
 











PLUS

The FlipFold folding tool.

Equals:  Laundry Nirvana

I kid you not when I tell you that this baby is the coolest.  It folds my laundry to perfection.  Just flip, flip, flip and fold!!!  It's only $18.99 and worth every penny.
So there you have it.  

Who knew that reading my blog could change your life?  


Trust me. If you use my formula, your will find sheer happiness and bliss every time you open your dresser drawers.

No need to thank me.  I'm here to help.

Happy Valentine's Day to All of You

Nothing means more to a blogger than a good comment. If you haven't said hello in a while, come on out and give me a big Valentine's day "Howdy." You'll make this Jersey housewife very happy.

Hugs and kisses-

Do the right thing...


I was thinking this morning about how quickly little things add up. If you let your kids slack learning their multiplication tables they fall behind in math. A few extra snacks here and there and your pants are too tight. Too many trips to Target and your credit cards are maxed out.

We've all been there in some way shape or form.

This morning I felt tired and I looked it. I had a to-do list as long as my arm and two bored daughters staring at me waiting for me to entertain them. Quite frankly I would have been happy to sit in front of the TV or computer for a few hours with a cup of coffee and a bag of cookies.

I was tempted to order up a movie on pay per view for the girls and do some serious slacking.

Have you ever seen in cartoons when there is an angel on one of Bugs Bunny's shoulders and a devil on the other? THAT'S how I felt.

The devil whispered in my ear..."C'mon...it's Winter Break! Everyone's away skiing or at some tropical getaway..you need a break. Go ahead-chill! You deserve it."

The angel reasoned with me. "Brad has been at work all week, slaving away to pay the bills. Go to the supermarket. Get some nice healthy food for your family. Clean up those piles of laundry! You can go to bed early tonight if you're tired!!"

They both had very good points.

Usually when I have to decide between two extremes, I take the middle road. So, I got my butt in the shower, packed up my girls and headed to my friend's airbrush tanning salon. I felt so much better with a little color on my pale washed out face.

Then we cruised to the supermarket and stocked up on fruit, veggies and yogurt. I even got two cute little orchids for the house.

My girls have two friends over to play and now I'm sitting down for a little "me time" on the computer.

This stay at home mom thing is dangerous business. There are so many temptations, Facebook, blogs, magazines, tennis. All of them screaming for my attention.

Today, I was strong. But tomorrow is another day!

Living dangerously...

I was going to save this post for my tennis blog, but I've decided to throw it up for a couple of days and let the chips fall where they may.

Who cares if Carolyn reads this!!! She needs a little dose of reality.

This is what I put on my tennis blog...enjoy!!

I played doubles today and the captain of my FORMER USTA team was there. It kind of freaks me out because I hate her so much. I don't hate many people, but she drives me nuts!!

She is so rude, such a foul mouth, a sore loser, someone who always makes excuses. The list is endless. She plays in a mixed doubles league with me and last week a good friend of mine and her husband waiting a half hour for this wench to show up. At 8:30 the lady at the front desk came out to tell my friend that Carolyn and her husband called, to say they wouldn't be able to make it. WTF! How rude. I can't stand it.

Today at tennis she wouldn't look at me. So I decided to stare her down. I could tell she was getting really uncomfortable. Then we were practicing serves, so under my breath I started saying things to piss her off. I would toss the ball and say "Ape" or "Bitch." I think she heard me, but she didn't say anything. She curses all the time when she plays so she probably thought I was just mad about a bad serve!!!

Later on she played singles on the court next to me and she was getting her ass kicked, so I decided to watch. I basically did the same thing to her that she does to people on her team. I stood in a very obvious spot, with my arms folded across my chest watching her every move. I can tell she found it distracting and intimidating.

I loved the look on her face when she saw me standing there watching her flail around. It was priceless. The only thing I didn't do, that she would have done is gone up to her after her loss and say. "What happened out there? You really should have come to net more. And you have to serve out wide more often. Were you nervous or something? You're such a head case!"

Then I would have proceeded to tell everyone that she isn't that good. I decided not to take it as far as she does. But giving her a little mental shove was great fun.


My sister thinks she'll eventually snap and go off on me. I hope she does. Then I'll stay perfectly calm and let her make an ass out of herself.

I've tried to let this go, but since I've been unable to do it, I might as well enjoy myself.

Yesterday was fun. I feel like I got it out of my system. Maybe that was all I needed. Since I'm not on her team anymore and NEVER will be again, I've got nothing to lose.

She's a paper tiger.

It's not worth the risk.

I played tennis today. I haven't played in 10 days and it felt SO GOOD to get out there and MOVE!! My arch rival was there, I seriously CAN"T STAND her. I've mentioned this before, but there aren't many people who make my blood boil. She is one of those people.

Today I decided to mess with her a little bit. Since this blog is public I'm not going to write all the details. It's too immature and incriminating. Let's just say I baited her a little bit. I kind of want her to confront me. I'd love to get into it with her. Okay, no more details. I've been hearing some really bad stories lately about people who have had blog posts bite them in the butt.

If you want to hear about it e-mail me at: jillyou@verizon.net I'll send you and invite to my private tennis blog: Game Set BASH!!

I have tried to get over this, but I've decided that since I haven't been able to I might as well go with the hate. Do you have anyone you can't stand, at work, in the PTA, maybe one of your kid's friends? If so, please share. Let me know I'm not the only petty grudge holder in the blog world!!

Is anybody out there?

Just because I haven't done a decent post in a few days doesn't mean you can't say hello!

Is it the Snuggie commercial on my sidebar that's scaring you away?

If you don't like it, you can tell me.

Your feedback is very important.  

And don't forget, if you don't feel like writing you can always use the Snapvine customer service number (also located on my sidebar) to leave me a message.

I'm still waiting for the person who impersonated my colon to come out of the closet.

I lie awake at night, replaying the voice in my head, wondering...who?   Please, whoever you are, reveal your identity.  No action will be taken against you.  I just need to know.  If you don't fess up I will make it my life's work to find you.  I have children to raise and a house to run. Please, let's not waste my time or yours.  Lives could be ruined.  And no one wants that.

If anyone has any information leading to the capture of this culprit, you will be compensated generously.  

Thank you and have a great Monday.




You've really outdone yourselves this time!



I must commend all my commenters (commentators?) on the Photo Faux Pas post. BRAVO! This is why I love having a blog. I get to interact with so many funny people!

To show my appreciation for all your fabulous insights on the family photo controversy I have bestowed on each and every one of the commenters the prestigious Caffeine Court "You're The Balls Award."

Please display it on your blog with pride, and if it isn't too much trouble link it back to yours truly. I need all the traffic I can get in order to parlay this blog into super stardom.

Love you guys!

Oh and P.S. Here's a funny little tidbit on the "Pompous Family Photo Expert" aka Dick.
He ran for a position on the school board. There were two positions and three people were running. Guess who came in third?!! HA! Maybe some other people heard his little comment. Serves him right.

And I am going to order the beach pictures of my girls. There is an empty space right next to my front door and I think the photos would look AWESOME in our entryway. SO THERE. Just call me "Roseanne."

Have a great weekend.

(Ohh, just realized my award says "You're the THE BALLS!" I'll have to talk to my graphic designer about that one. Take it anyway. It's still a good award.)

My colon is so nice!!!

OMG! I just got a voice message from my colon!!! You can hear it by clicking on the Snapvine Gadget to your right!

She's never actually said anything to me before. Usually she communicates non-verbally, but I think when she caught word that I was considering doing the Master Cleanse she panicked and found a way to get to a phone!! I wonder if she used my BlackBerry? I thought I felt a little discomfort and pressure the other day.

Weird.

Anyway, she's really nice. Thanks for calling colon. I hope to hear from you again real soon.

Moving out, getting married and having a baby (mondo)

Yes it's all true kids.

A little beauty...ALOT of pain!


I have just returned from a torture session at my local medispa.

My face was looking a bit sallow, so I decided to get a microdermabrasion and pore extraction.




Have you ever had a pore extraction? I haven't in over 10 years...let me tell you something, IT HURTS! Worse than a c-section. At least you get pain killers when you have a c-section!!

What it boils down to is I paid a professional blackhead squeezer to work her magic on me.

First the lady steamed my face to soften the skin. It was very soothing and relaxing. Once she turned the steamer off things got ugly real fast. Slowly and methodically, this woman proceeded to SQUEEZE the living crap out of my pores. She was unrelenting. Pushing and prodding like some kind of evil sadist, until she had extracted all the foul crud that has built up in my pores over the past decade. EWWW.

Maybe I didn't pick a very skilled pore squeezer, because I was dying!!! Is it SUPPOSED to hurt that bad?!

Thank goodness that unpleasant experience is over for today.

I was advised that next month I should have a chemical peel. You know, where they put harsh chemicals all over your face to take off the top layer of skin and charge you an arm and a leg for it. That sounds like a ton of fun. I think I'll pass.

The things we do to look good. It never ceases to amaze me.

Maybe I should just give in to mother nature and proudly sport a full head of gray hair, crow's feet, clogged pores and cellulite. Sounds hot right?

I know what you're thinking.."here she goes again, getting all gross and talking about disgusting bodily secretions." Sorry...I seriously can't help it. This is what my life is all about. That's right, bodily secretions are my life. Sue me.

You know what' I'm going to do now? I'm going to clean out my cat's litter box, and maybe, just maybe, I'll write about it tomorrow.

Ciao.

Let's play a little game...

It's called, YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE:

Would you rather be a Libertarian or a Socialist?

Libertarians believe in smaller government, less taxes, and more freedom. They believe the answer to America's political problems is the same commitment to freedom that earned America its greatness: a free-market economy, a dedication to civil liberties and personal freedom that marks this country above all others; and a foreign policy of non-intervention, peace, and free trade as prescribed by America's founders.

or...

Socialists believe in a social and economic doctrine that calls for public rather than private ownership or control of property and natural resources. According to the socialist view, individuals do not live or work in isolation but live in cooperation with one another. Furthermore, everything that people produce is in some sense a social product, and everyone who contributes to the production of a good is entitled to a share in it. Society as a whole, therefore, should own or at least control property for the benefit of all its members.
These are very basic definitions, you can do more research if you wish. But I'm curious. Which would you pick if you HAD TO CHOOSE?

You want it...YOU"VE GOT IT.

My good buddy Connie from over at Mrs. K suggested I start a blog for tennis vents. So I went ahead and made one.

The new blog is called "Game Set BASH" and anyone I approve can write posts and view the blog.

If you want a safe place to BASH your obnoxious team captain or nasty doubles partner, come on over and join the party. Shoot me an e-mail at: jillyou@verizon.net to join "Team BASH."

I will be running full security checks on all applicants to make sure none of my tennis enemies infiltrate my safe fortress.